The Monster Files
by FantasiaWandering
Summary: The day the monsters began to pour from Mount Ebott came as a shock to the world, but the monsters were like nothing anyone had anticipated. Friendly, and warm, and compassionate, they seemed almost too good to be true. Agents Cartwright and Lee have been tasked to investigate this question by an organization so secret, not even the author knows what it is.
1. A New Assignment

_A collection of drabbles and oddities exploring some of the events referenced in various other Undertale things I'm working on. If there's ever anything in one of those stories that you want to know about, let me know, and I'll see if I can dig up a Monster File about it. Updates on this one will be a bit sporadic as I work around other projects._

 _There are a lot of formatting tricks in this one, and though I've done the best I can, this site really doesn't like them. I'm posting it here too because I know there are people who like this site exclusively, but I want to add a disclaimer that it's actually a much better read on A03._

* * *

The door to the new office opened off a damp, claustrophobic alley. To reach it, Cartwright had to navigate his way through shards of glass that glittered like caltrops on the concrete. The door stuck, partly because it was old, and partly because of the heavy steel reinforcing it. As he forced it open, he frowned at the stain it left on his suit. He understood that this assignment was supposed to be discrete, but there was low profile, and then there was _this._ Small wonder they'd called him in to take over for the clown who used to run this operation. Anyone who let their base of operations get this run down didn't deserve the responsibility.

He was pleased to see that it wasn't quite so bad inside. The walls had been painted recently enough that there was still a faint whiff of it in the air, and the desks and filing cabinets were orderly and free of dust. His subordinate snapped to attention as Cartwright entered the room.

"Lee, I presume?" Carwright asked.

"Yes sir." Lee rose to shake Carwright's hand. "Glad you could make it, sir."

Nodding, Cartwright moved to the empty desk and began rifling through the files scattered across it. "I'm counting on you to get me up to speed. I want all the relevant information on my drive, ASAP."

"Understood, sir." Lee hesitated, and Cartwright raised a brow. His face reddening, Lee continued quickly. "If I could ask, sir… what do you make of the whole… monster thing?"

Cartwright eased himself into the chair, folding his hands on the desk as he pondered the question. "I think that this is a country of freedom and opportunity for everyone," he said at last, and pulled one of the files toward himself. "But I'm too much of a pragmatist to believe that any creature with the power to take a human soul isn't going to use it at some point. Nobody needs that kind of power."

Flipping open the cover of a file, he tapped a finger on the photo within. "And this ambassador of theirs… she's key. If we're going to figure out what their agenda is, it starts with her."

Lee nodded, and glanced at his computer screen. "I'll send you some of the… erm, _anomalous_ files we flagged to start with."

A few clicks of the mouse, and the files became visible on Cartwright's terminal. He blinked, and shot a glance at a very sheepish Lee. "That's it?"

"Sorry, sir. We've got taps on all their accounts, but no matter what we try, we're finding that most of the data gets…. weird."

"Define 'weird.'"

"I would if I could, sir. Sometimes it just vanishes, sometimes it comes out complete nonsense - not encrypted, just… wrong. Sometimes we intercept what we know is an e-mail about policy and get a recipe for spaghetti bolognese. Sometimes it just wipes everything on the system and sets it back to factory basic."

"All right, all right." Cartwright frowned, looking down at the dossier on the desk.

* * *

 **DREEMURR, KATHERINE ANNE (HRH)**

 **alias: FRISK**

 **alias:** **KATHERINE ANNE (KATIE), [SURNAME REDACTED, BIRTH RECORDS SEALED]**

 **AMBASSADOR OF THE KINGDOM OF MONSTERS**

 **AMBASSADOR OF HUMANITY**

 **OF NOTE:** **FIRST IN LINE TO THE THRONE OF THE KINGDOM OF MONSTERS. FULL DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. DO NOT ENGAGE. HIGH RISK OF POLITICAL CRISIS IF INVESTIGATIONS ARE DISCOVERED.**

* * *

"Kingdom of Monsters? That's seriously what they called it?"

"Apparently their King's not very good with names," Lee said.

Scanning quickly over the file, Cartwright blinked and glanced over the monitor at Lee. "Has any of this been edited?"

With a rueful twist of his mouth, Lee shook his head. "No, sir. Just the formatting, a little. After a while, all the fonts got unbearable."

"Fonts?"

"Yes, sir. It's, uh… it's a thing."

Cartrwright rubbed the bridge of his nose. Clearly, this was going to be one of _those_ assignments. Sighing, he gave his full attention first file in the folder, and got to work.


	2. The Atrium Incident

_LEE'S NOTE: Embassy e-mail exchange, multiple parties. Occurred when the Ambassador was eleven years old, according to embassy records. First known anomalous event to appear in official recordings. Date lines have not been edited - some data corruption occurred on retrieval._

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Petersen, Bradley

Subject: Inappropriate conduct

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

To Whom it May Concern,

I would like to remind Embassy staff that as ambassadors to our respective nations and races, we are expected to adhere to certain standards of behaviour in order to represent our peoples. Though I do not wish to imply that we must be humourless, there are certain acceptable ways to exhibit levity within the boundaries of propriety.

Jumping off the balcony in the atrium does not fall into the category of "acceptable."

Though I make allowances for my colleague's youth, I would strongly suggest that some professional development might benefit certain staff members.

Sincerely,

His Excellency, Bradley Petersen

Ambassador of the United States of America

Acting Ambassador of Humanity to the Kingdom of Monsters

 _Note: Privileged/Confidential information may be contained in this message and may be subject to legal privilege. Access to this e-mail by anyone other than the intended is unauthorised. If you are not the intended recipient (or responsible for delivery of the message to such person), you may not use, copy, distribute or deliver to anyone this message (or any part of its contents ) or take any action in reliance on it. In such case, you should destroy this message, and notify us immediately. If you have received this email in error, please notify us immediately by e-mail or telephone and delete the e-mail from any computer. If you or your employer does not consent to internet e-mail messages of this kind, please notify us immediately. All reasonable precautions have been taken to ensure no viruses are present in this e-mail. As our company cannot accept responsibility for any loss or damage arising from the use of this e-mail or attachments we recommend that you subject these to your virus checking procedures prior to use. The views, opinions, conclusions and other informations expressed in this electronic mail are not given or endorsed by the company unless otherwise indicated by an authorized representative independent of this message._

* * *

To: Petersen, Bradley

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: Inappropriate Conduct

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Dear Bradley,

I'm sorry I jumped off the balcony. And I'm sorry about the tree. I received some bad advice. I'm studying every day to be a good ambassador, I promise. I was on my break, or I wouldn't have done it.

From,

Frisk

Her Royal Highness, Katherine Anne of the House of Dreemurr

Ambassador of the Kingdom of Monsters

Ambassador of Humanity

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Petersen, Bradley

Subject: Inappropriate conduct

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

To Whom it May Concern,

I would like to remind certain staff members that the responsibility to comport ourselves with respectability and decorum is not restricted to "on the clock" hours. Our respective nations and races depend upon us to represent them at any hour of any day, and not simply when it is convenient to us.

Perhaps such concepts are not taught in certain independent schooling systems. Or perhaps such insights come with maturity. Should staff desire, I may be prevailed upon to act as mentor to certain inexperienced members of staff who require remedial training.

Sincerely,

His Excellency, Bradley Petersen

Ambassador of the United States of America

Acting Ambassador of Humanity to the Kingdom of Monsters

 _Note: Privileged/Confidential information may be contained in this message and may be subject to legal privilege. Access to this e-mail by anyone other than the intended is unauthorised. If you are not the intended recipient (or responsible for delivery of the message to such person), you may not use, copy, distribute or deliver to anyone this message (or any part of its contents ) or take any action in reliance on it. In such case, you should destroy this message, and notify us immediately. If you have received this email in error, please notify us immediately by e-mail or telephone and delete the e-mail from any computer. If you or your employer does not consent to internet e-mail messages of this kind, please notify us immediately. All reasonable precautions have been taken to ensure no viruses are present in this e-mail. As our company cannot accept responsibility for any loss or damage arising from the use of this e-mail or attachments we recommend that you subject these to your virus checking procedures prior to use. The views, opinions, conclusions and other informations expressed in this electronic mail are not given or endorsed by the company unless otherwise indicated by an authorized representative independent of this message._

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Dreemurr, H.R.M. Toriel

Subject: Educational Curricula

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

To Whom It May Concern,

Greetings. I would like to remind all staff members that the Summit on Cooperative Education between Humans and Monsters was held last year. If I may refer you to the peer-reviewed journals outlined in previous communications, Cooperative Curricula meet and exceed all standards set by all respective nations in the Cooperative.

We also offer remedial classes on manners for those members of staff who may require them.

Warmest regards,

Her Royal Majesty, Toriel of the House of Dreemurr

Queen of all Monsters

Minister of Education

Headmistress, Cooperative School

Winner: Pie Division, Winner: Best in Show, Royal Winter Fair

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Hi Everybody,

I promise I won't try to jump off the atrium any more, and I'll be a good representative of humans AND monsters.

But I'd just like to say, I'm not stupid. SOMEONE was supposed to catch me.

From,

Frisk

Her Royal Highness, Katherine Anne of the House of Dreemurr

Ambassador of the Kingdom of Monsters

Ambassador of Humanity

* * *

To: allstaff

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: re: the atrium thing

Date: November 2, 20[XX]

 **someone did catch you. it just happened to be a tree.**

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Dear Sans,

It's not the same and you know it. You said it would be fun. Landing in the tree wasn't fun. Bradley is really mad about the topiary.

Love,

Frisk

Her Royal Highness, Katherine Anne of the House of Dreemurr

Ambassador of the Kingdom of Monsters

Ambassador of Humanity

* * *

To: frisk

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: re: the atrium thing

Date: November 1, 20[XX]

 **i seem to recall you laughing pretty hard until that weenie started yelling. bradley is a dink. you needed the break.**

 **aw, forget this email stuff. look behind you.**

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Dear Sans,

Yeah. I guess you're right. What do you mmmmmmmmsnthnklj;

* * *

 _[NOTE: E-mail is incomplete. Contains attachment. Webcam photo shows Sans Skeleton vigorously hugging the Ambassador in her office. Action appears to be reciprocal. Passkey records indicate Skeleton was keyed in to the north block at the time. Photos show that Skeleton still wearing passkey. Faulty passkey tracking? Investigate.]_

* * *

To: Admin

From: Petersen, Bradley

Subject: Inappropriate correspondence

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

To Whom it May Concern,

Why does the janitor have an official embassy e-mail address?

Sincerely,

His Excellency, Bradley Petersen

Ambassador of the United States of America

Ambassador of Humanity to the Kingdom of Monsters

 _Note: Privileged/Confidential information may be contained in this message and may be subject to legal privilege. Access to this e-mail by anyone other than the intended is unauthorised. If you are not the intended recipient (or responsible for delivery of the message to such person), you may not use, copy, distribute or deliver to anyone this message (or any part of its contents ) or take any action in reliance on it. In such case, you should destroy this message, and notify us immediately. If you have received this email in error, please stick it where the sun don't shine. The views, opinions, conclusions and other informations expressed in this electronic mail are made by a weenie and should be ignored and deleted right away._

* * *

To: Petersen, Bradley

From: Admin

Subject: Inappropriate correspondence

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Yo, Your Excellency,

Thank you for your correspondence. The employee in question is not a janitor.

Also, you wish you were that cool.

Signed,

Assistant to the Chief Technical Officer

Human-Monster Embassy

IT Department

* * *

To: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

From: Admin

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Yo, Frisk,

The security cameras caught your swan dive off the balcony! Man, that was totally sick! Check out the vid. Think I could try it sometime?

We should totally show this to the King and Queen.

Later!

Artie

 _Attachment: [video: "friskswandive"]_

* * *

 _[NOTE: Video attached. Security cameras show that Ambassador Petersen and his personal secretary, monster child identified as A. Monster (present as part of work study program), and monsters identified as Whimsun, Snowdrake., and Migsop are present in the atrium. Coffee cart visible at leftmost frame occasionally staffed by Sans Skeleton. Sans Skeleton not visible in footage. Video shows Ambassador Dreemurr climbing to the balcony rail above the atrium on the left side and jumping. Camera appears to temporarily short-circuit just after the jump. When footage resumes, the Ambassador is in the topiary at the centre of the atrium. Logistics has flagged the angle of the jump. Current calculations seem to indicate it impossible for the Ambassador to have reached the topiary. Possible tampering with security footage? Recalculation in progress. Will advise]_

* * *

To: Admin

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Dear Artie,

Do NOT show this thing to my parents. I'm already grounded.

Love,

Frisk

* * *

To: admin

Cc: frisk

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: re: the atrium thing

Date: November [X], 20[XX]

 **hey, hook me up with a copy.**

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

Cc: Admin

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Sans, no!

* * *

To: admin

Cc: frisk

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: re: the atrium thing

Date: November [X], 20[XX]

 **sans, yes.**

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

Cc: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

From: Admin

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Done, dude. Check your inbox.

Artie

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

Cc: Admin

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: The Atrium Thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

NGAHHHH!

* * *

To: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

From: Actinopterygii, Undyne

Subject: Re: fw: re: the atrium thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Hey, punk!

That is NOT how you NGAAAAAHHHHHH! You need to breathe from the diaphragm and project! Have you been paying attention AT ALL? Clearly not. Tonight's training session is gonna be TWICE as long! Fuhuhuhuhu!

Love,

Undyne

PS: yeah, that's right, I typed out my laugh so you know I'm serious. This is my serious face: °ww°

Guard Captain Undyne

Human-Monster Embassy Security

Gym Teacher & Head Coach, Cooperative School

Owner & Proprietor, Aquatica Fitness & Training

 _To: undyne_

 _From: Skeleton, Sans_

 _Subject: fw: re: the atrium thing_

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: Re: fw: re: the atrium thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

Quit forwarding stuff to Undyne! She just showed up at my office and she's yelling through the door about training. I still have science homework!

Love,

Frisk

* * *

To: frisk

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: re: Re: Re: fw: re: the atrium thing

Date: November [X], 20[XX]

 **which you have a reason for not doing now. you're welcome.**

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Re: re: Re: :re: fw: re the atrium thing

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

 _Attachment: [photo: "friskpuppyeyes"]_

* * *

To: frisk

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: re: Re: re: Re: :re: fw: re the atrium thing

Date: November [X], 20[XX]

 **holster the big guns, kiddo. i'll help you with your homework later. science project's almost done anyway. don't keep the fish waiting.**

* * *

To: Skeleton, Sans

From: Dreemurr, H.R.H. Katherine Anne

Subject: Thank you! (still mad though)

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

I 3 u!

* * *

To: frisk

From: Skeleton, Sans

Subject: no you're not

Date: [XXXXXXXX] [X], 20[XX]

 **i less-than-three you too, buddy.**

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Petersen, Bradley

Subject: Inappropriate commotion

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

To Whom it May Concern,

Might I remind all staff that this is a place in which important business is conducted? We must set an example of decorum, as I have mentioned before. It is impossible to conduct the necessary tasks required in order to maintain the treaties we have brokered when security personnel are screaming in the hallway and attempting to suplex certain ambassadors who should know better.

I have been patient, but it is evident that certain members of staff do not give their positions the care and consideration that they deserve. I suggest that a personnel review might be in order.

Sincerely,

Lord High Bossypants, Bradley Petersen

Ambassador of the Untitled Snitches of Angrytown

Ambassador of Humourlessness to the Kingdom of Awesome

 _Note: Privileged/Confidential information may be contained in this message and may be subject to legal privilege. blah blah blah is anyone even reading this anymore? sounds like bradley is getting a little hot under the collar. guess he's using e-mails to blow off steam. crue, it's important to have somewhere to dump the ideas that are percolating. this embassy is a real pressure cooker of diplomacy, and bradley's been stewing in it for a while. looks like now is when it's all coming to a boil, but the ambassador can cook up a buffet of solutions. looking forward to seeing what's on the menu._

* * *

To: Petersen, Bradley

From: Skeleton, Papyrus

Subject: I HAVE DECODED YOUR SECRET MESSAGE [WINK]

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

AH HA!

I HAVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF ALL THESE E-MAILS TODAY, FOR SURELY YOU COULD NOT HAVE BEEN REFERRING TO FRISK, WHOSE GREATNESS IS SECOND ONLY TO MINE. BUT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAVE FINALLY DECODED THE SECRET MESSAGE YOU HAVE CLEVERLY HIDDEN WITHIN YOUR MAILS!

I KNOW IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I WAS THE GUEST CHEF IN THE CAFETERIA, BUT BRADLEY, IF YOU MISSED MY COOKING SO BADLY, YOU HAD ONLY TO SAY SO! I WILL BE THERE SHORTLY!

REALLY, BRADLEY, I AM TOUCHED. AFTER YOU FILLED THE COMPLAINT BOX WITH YOUR NOTES, I THOUGHT YOU DID NOT CARE. I SEE NOW THAT IT WAS MERELY A CUNNING RUSE TO DISGUISE YOUR ADORATION. WELL DONE!

NYEH,

ROYAL GUARDSKELETON PAPYRUS

HUMAN-MONSTER EMBASSY SECURITY (& MASCOT)

GYM TEACHER (& MASCOT), COOPERATIVE SCHOOL

HOME ECONOMICS TEACHER (& MASCOT), COOPERATIVE SCHOOL

PERSONAL TRAINER (& MASCOT), AQUATICA FITNESS & TRAINING

BUY MY NEW COOKBOOK, "PASTA FOR POWER, PRESTIGE, AND POPULARITY!"

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Petersen, Bradley

Subject: blah blah blah

Date: November 3, 20[XX]

To Whom it May Concern,

Who has been tampering with my e-mail?

Sincerely,

His Excrescencey, Bradley Peetersen

Stinky Poop Head

Doodietown

 _Note: insert pretentious stuff made to make people feel like they're more important than they actually are here._

 _Attachment: [photo: "bradleyinboxers"]_

* * *

To: Petersen, Bradley

From: Facilities

Subject: Invoice for Damages

Date: November 4, 20[XX]

Ambassador Petersen,

The following items are not covered by the embassy's insurance policy. Please find attached an invoice for damages.

Sincerely,

Woshua Waterman

Facilities Manager

 _Attachment: ["Petersen Invoice" ]_

Broken window (x2): $2000

Glass cleanup: $500

Removal of spaghetti stains in carpet:$700

Removal of spaghetti from computer peripheral drive: $100

Removal of spaghetti plate from ceiling: $200

Ceiling repair: $1000

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Petersen, Bradley

Subject: Inappropriate personnel

Date: November 4, 20[XX]

To Whom It May Concern,

I am lodging a formal complaint. That tall skeleton is a joke. It has no business at this embassy, and I am fairly sure that toxic waste it calls "pasta" is a biohazard. Possibly a war crime.

Between it and the overindulged child someone had the gall to call an ambassador, I would be tempted to think this entire thing is some elaborate sort of joke. They need to go. Now.

Sincerely,

His Excellency, Bradley Petersen

Ambassador of the United States of America

Acting Ambassador of Humanity to the Kingdom of Monsters

 _Note: Privileged/Confidential information may be contained in this message and may be subject to legal privilege. Access to this e-mail by anyone other than the intended is unauthorised. If you are not the intended recipient (or responsible for delivery of the message to such person), you may not use, copy, distribute or deliver to anyone this message (or any part of its contents ) or take any action in reliance on it. In such case, you should destroy this message, and notify us immediately. If you have received this email in error, please notify us immediately by e-mail or telephone and delete the e-mail from any computer. If you or your employer does not consent to internet e-mail messages of this kind, please notify us immediately. All reasonable precautions have been taken to ensure no viruses are present in this e-mail. As our company cannot accept responsibility for any loss or damage arising from the use of this e-mail or attachments we recommend that you subject these to your virus checking procedures prior to use. The views, opinions, conclusions and other informations expressed in this electronic mail are not given or endorsed by the company unless otherwise indicated by an authorized representative independent of this message._

 *****ERROR: MESSAGE NOT DELIVERED*****

* * *

To: Petersen, Bradley

From: XXXXXXXX, XXXX

Subject: Meeting Request

Date: [XXXXXX XX, XXXX]

Auto scheduler: The following meeting has been scheduled for all recipients of this message:

 **Date:** [ERROR]

 **Location:** [Office 302 (Petersen, B.)]

 **Additional notes:** Be seeing you. . .

* * *

To: Allstaff

From: Dreemurr, H.R.M. Asgore

Subject: Teambuilding Exercise Fun Day!

Date: November 7, 20[XX]

Howdy folks!

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend! It's a bit nippy out today, so be sure to take some of the complimentary tea in the cafeteria to keep you warm. You can enjoy it in the Atrium while you check out the new topiary.

There's been a spot of tension or two around the place lately, so I wanted to announce that we'll be having a Teambuilding Exercise Fun Day on Friday! Team assignments will be going out shortly, and there will be a super-special prize for the team with the best team uniforms, so put your heads together and show us something really nifty.

This will also be a great opportunity to welcome our new Ambassador of Humanity to the Kingdom of Monsters, and I know I can count on you to make her feel right at home.

Happy Monday!

His Royal Majesty, Asgore of the House of Dreemurr

King of all Monsters

Minister of Monstering

Groundskeeper, Cooperative School

Winner: Floral Division, Royal Winter Fair

Co-winner, Number 1 Nose-Nuzzle Champs, '98


	3. Incident With the Unfortunate Moniker

_LEE'S NOTE: Some footage from security cameras that might be of interest. Involves the incident that occurred when Ambassador was thirteen, which earned that unfortunate moniker in the media. Please find attached the preliminary transcripts of all relevant footage. Regretfully, the transcripts are unpolished and somewhat colloquial. Upon attempting to review the videos again to clean up the transcripts after sending them to analysis experts, every video in the file played only episodes of "Cooking with Mettaton." I have attempted to embellish the descriptions with as much detail as I can recall._

 _Additional apologies: IT is still unable to fix data corruption pertaining to timestamps._

* * *

 **Date:** December 10, 20[xx]. 16:00

 **Location:** Human-Monster Embassy, Great Hall

[Assembly of human and monster dignitaries in the Great Hall of the Embassy. Ambassador Dreemurr approaches the throne to deliver her first official address as a representative of the House of Dreemurr. Of note: the Ambassador is wearing royal vestments. The symbol embroidered on the Ambassador's vestments is the Delta Rune, emblematic of the royal house. The symbol recurs in the formal attire of Queen Toriel and King Asgore, who are seated in gallery behind the dais. Digital enhancement indicates that the symbol appearing on the Ambassador's diadem is the portion of the Delta Rune referred to as "The Angel." Symbolism of the Ambassador's jewellery remains uncertain, particularly the locket and the pearl bracelet. The other bracelet the Ambassador wears is most likely a "friendship bracelet"; similar bracelets are often worn by various members of the Ambassador's household.]

 **CRIER:** The assembly will please rise for Her Royal Highness, Katherine Anne Frisk of the House of Dreemurr, Ambassador of Humanity and Ambassador of Monsters.

[The assembly rises. The Ambassador appears to be sweating. There is a visible tremor in the Ambassador's hands before she conceals them behind her vestments. The Ambassador takes her place before the throne and sits.]

 **UNIDENTIFIED SOUND.**

[ETA: Logistics has identified the sound as a whoopie cushion. Identification took some time as the Logistics team did not believe their initial conclusions could be correct and reran their analysis multiple times.]

 **ASSEMBLY:** [muffled laughter]

[The Ambassador looks sharply to someone in the assembly. Ambassador Dreemurr does not appear happy. No camera was trained on the place where the Ambassador was looking; the subject of the Ambassador's look remains unidentified.]

[The Ambassador delivers a rousing speech about the future of positive relations between humans and monsters. It's the one that's in all the textbooks now - the "I am determined" speech. Transcript of the speech is not relevant to the focus of this investigation. Standing ovation follows the speech. Ambassador Dreemurr rises and leaves the Great Hall in some haste. There is nothing visible on the seat of the throne.]

* * *

 **Date:** December 10, 20[xx]. 17:04

 **Location:** Human-Monster Embassy, Northeast Corridor

[Sans Skeleton traverses the hallway from east to west, whistling. Biologists on staff are attempting to figure out the logistics of this given the subject's lack of lips.]

[Scream is heard from a source out of frame to the east. Sound grows louder as the subject approaches the camera. No reaction from Skeleton as Ambassador Dreemurr enters the camera's field of view and launches herself toward Skeleton. Skeleton is no longer standing in her path, and the Ambassador falls. Notable jump cut indicates that someone may have been tampering with security footage. Logistics is still attempting to deduce how the tampering occurred; aside from the obvious jump cut, the footage bears no additional evidence of alteration.]

 **AMBASSADOR:** Sans! I'm so going to kill you!

 **SKELETON:** **okay, but you have to catch me first, bud.**

[Note: Apologies for formatting inconsistencies. Transcription files have a tendency to glitch if certain persons are not transcribed in particular fonts and/or styles. Logistics and IT are working on the problem. For now, we just kind of go with it.]

[Ambassador Dreemurr stands and lunges for Skeleton. Security camera loses the feed for fifteen seconds. When the feed resumes, the corridor is empty. Ambassador Dreemurr and Sans Skeleton do not appear in any further security footage from adjacent cameras.]

* * *

 **Date:** December 10, 20[xx]. 17:07

 **Location:** Human-Monster Embassy, Northeast Roof

[Ambassador Dreemurr sits on the edge of the embassy roof and pulls out her phone. Sends a text message.]

* * *

 **Date** : December 10, 20[xx]. 17:08

 **Location:** Human-Monster Embassy, Northeast Gardens

[Northeast gardens are empty. Papyrus Skeleton arrives at a run from the east. P. Skeleton looks up from his phone. Probable object of his attention is the roof.]

 **P. SKELETON:** OH MY GOD! SANS!

[P. Skeleton moves aside. P. Skeleton was blocking S. Skeleton from the camera. S. Skeleton was not in view before P. Skeleton entered the frame. No footprints are visible in the snow except those left by P. Skeleton. Possible evidence of tampering with security footage? Investigate.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **hey, bro. what's up?**

 **P. SKELETON:** THE HUMAN IS UP!

 **S. SKELETON** : **which one? there's a lot of humans around this place.**

[P. Skeleton leaves an impression in the snow when he stamps his foot.]

 **P. SKELETON:** YOU KNOW WHICH ONE! *OUR* HUMAN!

[S. Skeleton looks up.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **huh. so they are.**

 **P. SKELETON:** WELL? DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU LAZYBONES! WE HAVE TO GET THEM DOWN!

 **S. SKELETON:** **how? there's no door up there.**

 **P. SKELETON:** UGH, WHY ARE YOU SO USELESS? I WILL JUST HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF!

[P. Skeleton calls up to the roof.]

 **P. SKELETON:** HUMAN! YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER! I AM HERE TO SAVE YOU, AND I AM FAR MORE USEFUL THAN MY BROTHER! JUMP, AND DRIFT GENTLY LIKE A CLOUD INTO MY WAITING ARMS! HAVE FAITH IN THE STRENGTH OF THESE MIGHTY BICEPS!

[Note: S. Skeleton glances directly at the security camera. Awareness of the location of the cameras may implicate S. Skeleton as a potential source of tampering.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **you sure that's a good idea, bro? it's a long way down**.

 **P. SKELETON:** UM... YOU MAY BE RIGHT. ATTENTION! FRISK! DRIFTING IS INADVISABLE! IT IS NOT THAT I DOUBT THE MIGHTINESS OF MY ARMS BUT- AAH!

[Falling object collides with P. Skeleton and both are driven into the snow and out of sight of the camera. Falling object positively identified by Logistics as Ambassador Dreemurr.]

 **S. SKELETON** : **...oh boy**.

 **P. SKELETON:** [from hole] SANS? SANS, I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

[P. Skeleton emerges from the hole carrying Ambassador Dreemurr. The Ambassador appears to be crying. Difficult to tell. Her face is against P. Skeleton's shoulder and concealed by P. Skeleton's scarf...cape...scarf]

 **P. SKELETON:** I THINK WE BROKE THE HUMAN!

[Embassy guard enters from left. Armour emblem indicates this guard is Guard Captain Undyne.]

 **UNDYNE:** All right, punks, what is all this commotion? AND WHY AM I NOT PART OF IT?

 **P. SKELETON:** UNDYNE, HELP! I THINK I BROKE FRISK!

 **UNDYNE:** Oh my god, Papyrus, it's not the first time Frisk's been hurt! Just give them some spaghetti or something and they'll be fine.

[P. Skeleton looks at the Ambassador.]

 **P. SKELETON:** I DON'T THINK THIS CAN BE FIXED BY PASTA! NOT EVEN *MY* PASTA! I THINK WE NEED ONE OF THOSE HOSPITAL THINGS!

 **UNDYNE:** What, really? Aw, man, poor kid. Okay then, everyone stay calm. I know exactly what to do. NGAHHHH!

[Undyne kicks over nearby statuary. Reason unclear. Logistics suggests "because she can."]

 **UNDYNE:** NEW PLAN, GOOBERS! To the hospital! Papyrus, you drive! I'LL BE THE SIREN!

[P. Skeleton and Undyne exit to the west with the Ambassador, running.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **well, crap.**

[Lens flare precedes a short of the security camera. Footage shows three minutes of static. When the feed resumes, S. Skeleton is no longer in view. No footprints in the snow. Footage of P. Skeleton and Undyne with the Ambassador appears on adjacent cameras, but S. Skeleton could not be found in any footage. Further suggests evidence of tampering.]

* * *

 **Date:** December 10, 20[xx]. 18:48

 **Location:** Cooperative Memorial Hospital, Emergency Room C

[Consultation between ER resident Dr. Crenshaw and the King and Queen. Both Skeletons, Undyne, and Ambassador Dreemurr are also present. Undyne remains in a chair in a corner throughout, and appears largely inattentive during most of the exchange. Though she seems to be reading a manga featuring a sword-wielding princess, Behaviour Analysis concurs that she is actually guarding the royal family. The Ambassador is heavily sedated. Skipping transcription of pleasantries and Their Majesties consoling the Ambassador. Transcript resumes on possible significant content.]

[Crenshaw opens an x-ray of the Ambassador's leg on the main display screen to assist in her explanation of the diagnosis to the Ambassador's parents.]

 **CRENSHAW:** So you can see the fracture here-

 **P. SKELETON:** WAIT- WHO IS *THAT*?

 **CRENSHAW:** It's… the Ambassador's leg.

 **P. SKELETON:** WHAT? FRISK, YOU'VE BEEN A SKELETON THIS WHOLE TIME? NO WONDER I FELT SUCH A SENSE OF KINSHIP THE FIRST TIME WE MET! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

 **AMBASSADOR:** Don' worry, Papy. 'S going _tibia_ okay.

 **S. SKELETON & T. DREEMURR: **[Muffled laughter]

 **CRENSHAW:** If I may, Your Majesties. The fracture itself is fairly minor and should heal quickly and in short order.

 **A. DREEMURR:** Good thing she had you to break her fall.

[A. Dreemurr gives P. Skeleton what I presume is meant to be a friendly pat on the back. P. Skeleton ends up on the floor.]

 **P. SKELETON:** I'M USEFUL!

 **T. DREEMURR:** Indeed.

 **CRENSHAW:** Your Majesties, please. The microfracture is quite treatable, especially with some of Dr. Alphys' new additions to our facilities, but it's not what I really wished to speak to you about. If I can show you the rest of the Ambassador's x-rays…

[Crenshaw opens additional files, including an x-ray of the Ambassador's pelvis.]

 **P. SKELETON:** [AUDIBLE GASP] FRISK! YOU'RE A GIRL!

 **AMBASSADOR:** Uh, yeah. I guess I am.

 **UNDYNE:** Seriously, Papyrus, you're just clueing in now? YOU'VE KNOWN THE LITTLE PUNK FOR FIVE YEARS!

 **P. SKELETON:** WELL YES, BUT WHO CAN TELL UNDER ALL THAT SKIN?

 **AMBASSADOR:** 'S'okay Papyrus. I'm good with being whatever. I really don' care that much.

 **P. SKELETON:** UGH, WHY IS UNDERSTANDING HUMANS SO *HARD?* YOU HAVE TOO MANY LAYERS!

 **CRENSHAW:** Ladies and gentlemonsters and variations thereupon, please! We have patients trying to rest here! Now, Your Majesties, if I could have a word with you… erm, alone…

[Crenshaw looks pointedly at the Ambassador.]

 **P. SKELETON:** OH! I CAN HELP!

[P. Skeleton covers the Ambassador's ears and begins to sing what appears to be a rousing theme song about himself and his heroic deeds. Audio becomes difficult to transcribe afterward, but best extrapolation follows.]

 **CRENSHAW:** What really concerns me is these lines here. These are old fractures. The Ambassador has hundreds of them, and they all seem to have occurred at about the same time. From the look of them… they date back to on or around the date of Barrier Fall.

 **T. DREEMURR:** Frisk has always been a very fearless child, Doctor.

 **CRENSHAW:** Yes, but this goes beyond fearlessness. This is less what I see on a professional mountain climber or stunt performer, and more… more like… um...

 **T. DREEMURR:** What. Exactly. Are you. Implying?

 **A. DREEMURR:** Now, dear, let's hear the doctor out.

 **T. DREEMURR:** Asgore, if you try to placate me again, I shall set something on fire, and I cannot guarantee that it will not be you.

 **CRENSHAW:** Oh, I wasn't implying you had anything to do with this, Your Majesty! I just wondered if… well, how much do you know of your child's history before their adoption?

[Audio quality becomes very poor. P. Skeleton singing a chorus about a merry band of skeleton pirates opening a pasta restaurant.]

 **T. DREEMURR:** [INAUDIBLE]

 **A. DREEMURR** : [Visibly upset] [INAUDIBLE]

[T. Dreemurr takes A. Dreemurr's hand.]

 **CRENSHAW:** [INAUDIBLE] ...repressed…. [INAUDIBLE] ... a therapist with experience in… [INAUDIBLE].

 **T. DREEMURR:** PAPYRUS, PLEASE! That is enough, dear.

 **P. SKELETON:** YES, SIR, MRS. KING. BUT… I HAVE ANOTHER FIVE VERSES TO GO IF YOU NEED ME TO-

 **T. DREEMURR:** Goodness! You are very… verse-atile.

 **S. SKELETON:** [ **muffled laughter** ]

 **T. DREEMURR:** But really, that will be enough. Thank you.

 **A. DREEMURR:** And thank you, Doctor. We'll let you know. Can you treat Frisk now?

 **CRENSHAW:** Yes, Your Majesty. Of course.

[Note: We attempted to retrieve the Ambassador's x-rays, as the resolution on the security footage was not high enough to make out the injuries referenced by the doctor. Attempting to download the files erased all images on the drive and changed the desktop image on all computers on the network to a movie poster of the romantic comedy "Electric Love" starring Mettaton.]

* * *

 **Date:** December 10, 20[xx]. 19:21

 **Location:** Cooperative Memorial Hospital, Royal Suite

[Relevant footage begins after Dr. Crenshaw applied a cast to the Ambassador's leg. At this time, the King and Queen are in the doctor's office receiving follow-up care instructions. Undyne stopped to purchase a package of shrimp chips from a vending machine and decided to fight it when it ate her money. P. Skeleton purchased a book from the hospital gift shop while waiting for the Ambassador's treatment to finish, and has been reading it in the Ambassador's room. Amazon search indicates it is this book. [Teenagers: A Natural History] S. Skeleton emerges from behind the privacy curtain next to the Ambassador's bed. Cannot determine from any available footage when S. Skeleton entered the room.]

 **P. SKELETON:** AH! IT SAYS HERE IN THIS VERY INFORMATIVE GUIDE BOOK ON HUMAN LIFE CYCLES THAT AS A HUMAN REACHES YOUR AGE, YOU CAN EXPECT TO GO THROUGH CERTAIN CHANGES-

 **AMBASSADOR:** Oh, no…[attempts to pull her blanket over her head]

 **P. SKELETON:** OH, YES! [pulls the blanket back down] -AND THAT SOME OF THESE CHANGES INVOLVE SELF-ESTEEM! FRISK, I MUST TELL YOU THAT ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE SPENT THE LAST FIVE YEARS LIVING WITH A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE PINNACLE OF SKELETONLY BEAUTY-

 **S. SKELETON:** **papyrus, stop, you're making me blush.**

 **P. SKELETON:** WHA- NO, NOT *YOU* SANS. HONESTLY! NOW STOP DISTRACTING ME! I'M PARENTING! FRISK, I KNOW THAT I AM TRULY INTIMIDATING, BUT YOU MUST NOT LET THAT MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR. YOU HAVE LOVELY SKELETAL STRUCTURE, AND YOU HAVE NO REASON TO CONCEAL IT BEHIND ALL THAT SKIN!

[P. Skeleton takes the Ambassador's hand.]

 **P. SKELETON:** OF COURSE, IF YOU ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THIS BUT HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO WEAR YOUR SKIN BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER, THAT IS ALSO FINE. I JUST MEAN TO SAY THAT WHETHER YOU CHOOSE TO WEAR YOUR SKELETON INSIDE OR OUT, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE SELF-ESTEEMY ABOUT. YOU ARE VERY PLEASANT WITH OR WITHOUT SKIN, AND EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT, YOUR PERSONALITY IS ALSO VERY NICE, WHICH IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR BONE STRUCTURE.

[P. Skeleton wipes a tear from his eye.]

 **P. SKELETON:** YOU ARE GROWING UP SO FAST, AND ALREADY, YOU ARE TAKING AFTER ME, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, ROLLIEST OF ROLE MODELS-

[S. Skeleton pulls the Ambassador's food tray from behind the privacy curtain. No footage of the food tray being brought into the room has been found. The food service schedule indicates dinner service was an hour earlier, before the Ambassador was assigned to the room.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **oh look, chow time. they gave you spaghetti.**

 **P. SKELETON:** WH- I- NO! WHAT IS *THIS* SUPPOSED TO BE? THEY CALL THESE LIMP, PASTY LITTLE THINGS *NOODLES*? AND WHAT IS THIS SAUCE? THIS IS AN AFFRONT TO TOMATOES EVERYWHERE! HOW *DARE* THEY INSULT OUR AMBASSADOR WITH THIS… THIS… AAAAHHH! FEAR NOT, HUMAN, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, SHALL SAVE YOU FROM THIS MEDIOCRITY!

[P. Skeleton throws the spaghetti at the door as Undyne and Dr. Alphys enter.]

 **UNDYNE:** Hey, we're having a food fight now? OUTSTANDING! Hospitals are so much cooler than I thought! What's left? I wanna throw some!

 **P. SKELETON:** UNDYNE, NO! LOOK! LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE THE GALL TO SERVE OUR HUMAN! THEY CALL THAT *SWILL* SPAGHETTI!

 **UNDYNE:** But that… that's… WHAT? WHERE IS THE PASSION? WHERE IS THE RIGHTEOUS FURY AS THEY POUND THE VEGETABLES INTO SUBMISSION?

 **P. SKELETON:** THESE SO-CALLED COOKS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT POWER PASTA! HAVE THEY NOT READ MY COOKBOOK?

 **S. SKELETON:** **too bad they don't have anyone to teach them, huh?**

 **P. SKELETON** : AH! BUT THEY DO! THE GREAT PAPYRUS SHALL LEAD THEM TO THE LIGHT!

 **UNDYNE:** Yeah! Time for a cooking lesson they will NEVER FORGET!

 **P. SKELETON:** TO THE KITCHENS!

 **UNDYNE:** NGAHHHH!

[P. Skeleton and Undyne run from the room. Dr. Alphys watches them go, and then approaches the Ambassador's bed.]

 **ALPHYS:** Um, hey. I-I should probably go make sure they don't break anything. Or anyone. We, uh… we brought you a cactus. Undyne really liked it. She said that it's not wimpy like most plants 'cause it carries its own spears. So… I guess you're not coming over to watch Princess Bazooka Unicorn Tank Rider with us tonight, huh? But, um, I saw your charts? And you should be feeling better soon. You'll be out of here in the morning. Probably. And then we can watch together!

[Alphys hugs the Ambassador and places the cactus in her lap.]

 **ALPHYS:** Feel better, Frisk!

[Alphys leaves in pursuit of P. Skeleton and Undyne. The Ambassador looks down at the cactus and attempts to move it from her lap.]

 **AMBASSADOR:** Ow.

[S. Skeleton moves the cactus to the dinner tray and pushes it to the side.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **there you go. you wanna watch tv or something?**

 **AMBASSADOR:** I guess.

 **S. SKELETON:** **mind if I come up there? the chair's kind of covered in spaghetti right now.**

 **AMBASSADOR:** If you want.

[S. Skeleton hesitates, but the Ambassador shifts enough to make room beside her. S. Skeleton sits on the bed next to her and hands her the remote. The Ambassador turns on the TV.]

 **NEWS BROADCAST** : -they're calling it "the Fart Heard 'Round the World." It's safe to say it was the last thing anyone expected to hear at this landmark royal address.

[Raw footage of the moment just before the speech at the assembly. Fart-like whoopie cushion sound is audible in the hospital room, and has likely been enhanced by the broadcasters. The Ambassador stares at the screen.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **uh…**

 **NEWS BROADCAST:** But what do the people have to say about this "breaking" story?

 **PERSON ON THE STREET #1** : Quite shocking! What do they teach children these days?

 **PERSON ON THE STREET #2** : Naw, man, that was hilarious. Like, good to know these royal types got a sense of humour, you know?

 **CHILD ON THE STREET** : I used to be scared there was a monster in my closet, but I didn't know they were funny. I want one there now.

 **PERSON ON THE STREET #3** : I was worried that having a monarchy establishing itself in this country was a terrible idea, but they're people just like us. And that speech the Ambassador gave after was fantastic. I really think this could be good for us. I'm excited to see what happens next.

[The Ambassador turns the TV off, still staring at the screen. S. Skeleton seems unsure of what to say. The Ambassador starts to shake. Then, the shaking turns into laughter for a very long time.]

 **AMBASSADOR:** Okay, okay, you were right. I _was_ taking that speech too seriously. Couldn't you have found anything other than a whoopie cushion to loosen me up, though?

 **S. SKELETON:** **what's a whoopie cushion?**

[The Ambassador hits S. Skeleton with her pillow, then leans against him. Fairly evident she is no longer angry.]

 **AMBASSADOR:** Can we see what's on the scifi channel?

 **S. SKELETON:** **sure, buddy. whatever you want.** [S. Skeleton turns the TV back on and changes the channel.] **you need anything?**

 **AMBASSADOR:** No. [pauses] My leg hurts.

 **S. SKELETON:** **i know, pal. but you heard the doc - it'll be better before you know it.**

 **AMBASSADOR:** I guess. [The Ambassador looks toward the door.] My dinner's on the floor.

 **S. SKELETON:** **good thing i came prepared.**

[S. Skeleton produces a hot dog from his jacket and gives it to the Ambassador. The Ambassador and S. Skeleton watch a science fiction movie for the next thirteen minutes. The Ambassador falls asleep on 's shoulder. S. Skeleton puts his arm around her. The movement shifts the Ambassador's leg, and she flinches without waking.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **aw, heck, kiddo, i'm sorry. don't worry.** I got this one.

[Flash from unknown source shorts out the camera. Feed does not resume.]

* * *

 **Date:** December 11, 20[xx]. 08:47

 **Location:** Cooperative Memorial Hospital, Parking Lot

[Security cameras in the parking lot have no audio. Video shows Ambassador Dreemurr being carried to the Embassy car over Undyne's shoulder. The Ambassador appears to be protesting. Undyne engages in an argument with P. Skeleton over the car keys. P. Skeleton runs away, and Undyne sets the Ambassador down and takes off in pursuit.]

[King Asgore and Queen Toriel wave from the Embassy's second car a few spots away. S. Skeleton takes the Ambassador's hand and walks her to the second car.]

[The Ambassador is not wearing a cast.]

* * *

 _Additional files for reference:_

 ** _File 1:_** _Hospital incident report. Kitchen cook treated for sprained wrist. Cause of injury listed as "passionate stirring."_

 ** _File 2:_** _Hospital custodial staff grievance for overtime spent cleaning pasta sauce off the kitchen walls and ceiling._

 ** _ ** _File_** 3: _**_Revised hospital Menu released December 12, 20[xx]_

 ** _File 4:_ **_Figure 1:Patient recovery rates. Figure 2: Hospital discharge rates. Note spike in both figures corresponding with revised menu._

 ** _File 5:_** _Hospital maintenance report and invoice. On attempting to repair the security camera in the Royal Suite, IT technicians found that it had melted to slag. Replacement required_.


	4. The Bullying Solution

LEE'S NOTE: _Following up on your request re: behavioural issues at the cooperative school. The question of whether the monsters employ violence to protect the ambassador from antagonistic behavior is one we've been trying to investigate for some time. This is a particularly difficult subject area for gathering intel. The school provides open access to all records, but they don't actually keep records on negative behavior. They seem to work it all out verbally. All surveillance cameras we attempted to install at the school either shorted out or sent us outtakes from "Mettaton's World Tour: Season Three." We did manage to get a few minutes from a body camera we placed on one of the young agents we sent in undercover in the second year after Barrier Fall. Said agent is no longer with us. He returned the camera and joined the school. Graduated with honours and I believe is currently working as an instructor at that new skydiving school where humans jump out of planes and use monsters with wings instead of parachutes. Apparently all those trust exercises we do in training are actually good for something._

 _I transcribed most of the video before the flash drive it was on caught fire. I think I saved most of the computer it was plugged into at the time._

* * *

 **Date:** April 23, 20[xx]. 12:10

 **Location:** Cooperative School, Cafeteria

[Recording commences during a school lunch break. Our agent is seated at a cafeteria table. His view of the Ambassador is blocked by a crowd of children gathered around our agent's table.]

 **HUMAN CHILD 1** : What's going on? Is Danny still bullying Frisk?

 **HUMAN CHILD 2:** He was trying. Frisk was doing the thing again.

 **MONSTER CHILD 1:** The dodgy thing?

 **HUMAN CHILD 2** : No, not that. That was weeks ago. She's trying to make friends with him now.

 **MONSTER CHILD 2:** Why? No-one wants to make friends with Danny. That's like trying to make friends with an angry gorilla.

 **MONSTER CHILD 3:** Yo! Don't give Frisk any ideas, dude! They're already way too busy. I barely see 'em anymore. If they make friends with a gorilla, too-

 **HUMAN CHILD 2:** Artie, didn't you have a sleepover at Frisk's house last night?

 **MONSTER CHILD 3:** That was last night! What about today and tomorrow? And it was at Alphys and Undyne's. They don't make dessert nearly as good as Mrs. Dreemurr.

 **MONSTER CHILD 1:** Oh! Did Mrs. Dreemurr make dessert today?

 **HUMAN CHILD 2:** No, I think Undyne did.

 **MONSTER CHILD 1:** Aw, man! I never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting really sick of Pocky.

 **HUMAN CHILD 1:** I still don't get what's going on, you guys.

 **MONSTER CHILD 2:** Oh, right. When Papyrus found out Danny was trying to bully Frisk, he decided to help.

 **HUMAN CHILD 1:** ...oh.

 **MONSTER CHILD 1:** Yeah. Poor Danny.

 **MONSTER CHILD 3:** Yo, is he crying?

[Our agent takes their tray to the garbage, and their view of the Ambassador is now clear of obstruction. The Ambassador is seated at a cafeteria table next to a very large human boy, identified in our records as Daniel Dunn. The boy is staring at the plate of spaghetti in front of him, which is, quite frankly, the biggest I've ever seen. P. Skeleton is standing on the table on the other side of the boy. The jersey P. Skeleton is wearing says " **coach skelefun!** " Judging by the quality of the lettering, the shirt is likely a gift from the junior students.]

 **P. SKELETON:** [blows whistle] YES! YES HUMAN, FEEL THE BURNING PASSION OF OUR ARDENT FRIENDSHIP! I SEE FROM THE TEARS IN YOUR EYES THAT YOU FEEL THE BURN!

 **AMBASSADOR DREEMURR:** Uh, Papyrus? I think those are the from the jalapenos we put in the sauce.

 **P. SKELETON:** THE PEPPERS ARE A METAPHOR FOR OUR LOVE!

[Dunn sags in defeat and places his face in his hands. Ambassador Dreemurr stands on the bench so that she can reach up to pat him on the shoulder.]

* * *

LEE'S NOTE: _Video ends. Records are spotty, but interviews with former students suggest that Daniel Dunn became a playground safety monitor shortly after this incident, and in his final year at the school, began a student-led program to pair older students as mentors to incoming first-year students._

 _Daniel Dunn is currently employed as a guidance counselor at the Cooperative School._


	5. The Annual Report

_LEE'S NOTE:_

 _Lee's Note: We did some digging as you requested, sir. Take this year's press release as an example - bear with the length. They've gotten wordy since the King and the Ambassador took over writing them._

 _Two of the recipients are graduates of the Cooperative School, but the other five all attended or are attending solely human schools, and at least one belongs to a family who has not been shy about expressing anti-monster sentiment. Although that seems to have subsided a bit since the press conference._

 _On the surface, at least, it appears that the grants really are awarded on merit, as claimed. We will do further digging, but it's also worth noting that in the ten years since the Cooperative School opened, its graduates (both human and monster) have gone on to notable works, including breakthroughs in medical imaging technology, that new wearable tech thing that lets people charge their phones with body heat, musicians that top the charts on a regular basis, and that AI for the new iOS that's actually… well, intelligent. Oh, and a bi-species married couple who met while they were seniors at the school were just nominated for a nobel peace prize for their successful brokering of peace between two warring nations. Apparently the Ambassador was part of that last process, too, but declined the nomination._

* * *

June 1, 20[xx]

The Dreemurr Foundation is pleased to announce this year's recipients of the Dreemurr Memorial Grants for Remarkable Young Humans. Each year, these grants are awarded to a human under the age of 18 who shows exceptional dedication to the spirit of each award, and who demonstrates a real need of the assistance the award provides.

* * *

The **Patience** Award for work with youth is presented to Jasneet Kaur Bhullar, 17, founder of the "Gamers & Gameonsters" network. After volunteering her time to work with girls at her local elementary school to teach them the fundamentals of coding, Jasneet realized that she alone wouldn't be able to teach more than a handful of students, and recruited a network of teenagers around the world to teach coding to students from backgrounds underrepresented in the field. With more resources, the network expanded to other students traditionally deterred from STEM careers, including the newly-arrived monster population.

Recently, realizing that financial barriers were barring some students from her initiative, Jasneet also established a fundraising and donations initiative to raise money for the purchase of technology, and has to date presented over two thousand laptops to program participants worldwide.

Jasneet plans to use her award to establish a teacher training program for others who wish to help expand the network.

* * *

The **Bravery** Award for exceptional heroism is presented to Mauricio Castañeda, 12, for his actions in the wake of the earthquake that devastated his city. Though Mauricio himself was trapped when part of his apartment complex collapsed, he remained steadfast, gathering survivors as he made his way out of the rubble, often having to force his way through blockages using only his fists. Upon escaping, Mauricio then refused to be taken to the hospital, instead joining rescue teams to make his way into collapsed spaces too small for adult rescuers in order to help stabilize and rescue additional survivors. Emergency personnel estimate that Mauricio is responsible for saving over three dozen lives, likely more.

Mauricio intends to use his grant put himself through school as a paramedic and emergency field medic. A portion of his grant will be donated in his name to the relief fund for victims of the earthquake.

* * *

The **Integrity** Award for achievement in the arts is presented to Melissa Garvin, 16, for writing and starring in the musical "Wings of Change." The musical has been internationally praised for its nuanced, thoughtful, and complex portrayal of the protagonist's childhood transition, and the unique and original style of the production. The musical is reportedly exceptionally useful in helping friends and family of transgender children better understand the complex issues surrounding a childhood transition, and how to respond to these issues with compassion. Melissa is credited by her producers and colleagues as being instrumental in helping the production overcome the difficulties that plagued its inception and become the phenomenal success it is today.

Melissa will use her grant to establish a centre to provide support, counselling, training, and shelter to transgender youth.

* * *

The **Perseverance** Award for academic achievement is presented to Lakeesha James, 18, for isolating the genetic mechanisms responsible for the development of certain strains of cancer. Lakeesha made this remarkable discovery during her work-study at a local university, and treatments incorporating this new knowledge have begun to show unprecedented success rates.

Lakeesha will use her grant to continue her research. She wishes the Dreemurr Foundation to convey her long-term goal of the total eradication of fatal cancer within her lifetime.

Lakeesha is a graduate of the Cooperative School.

* * *

The **Kindness** Award for culinary and agricultural accomplishment is presented to Nolan Jacobsen, 8, for his line of "Monster Munchies" snack bars. Nolan's recipe, developed during his home economics independent project at the Cooperative School, imbues these energy bars with unique restorative properties that have yet to be duplicated in any commercial venture. Nolan's family recently signed an agreement to produce his snack bars at cost for hospitals and other treatment centres, as they are universally appealing to people of all tastes, trigger no allergies or food sensitivities, can be eaten even by those suffering from nausea or loss of appetite, and accelerate healing and recovery times exponentially, in addition to boosting immune systems and ensuring that the consumer gets a good night's sleep.

The latest variety of Monster Munchie, "Skeleton Spaghetti," is dedicated to his home economics teacher, who is also the visual reference for the Monster Munchies mascot.

Nolan will use his grant to provide Monster Munchies to global famine relief programs. It is Nolan's hope that he will be able to provide Monster Munchies to anyone in the world who is hurt or hungry.

* * *

The **Justice** Award for conflict resolution is presented to Hikaru Tanaka, 17, for his successes in the conservation and restoration of global marine ecosystems. In addition to organizing campaigns with enough supporting research and documentation to successfully preserve marine ecosystems and species endangered by overfishing, Hikaru also drafted out economic plans for alternative means of training and employment, successfully establishing new jobs in areas affected by the new legislation. In all affected areas, unemployment decreased, with many experiencing a rise in income and standard of living as a result of the Tanaka Fisheries Recovery Plan.

Hikaru will use his grant to fund additional research in the fields of marine conservation and restoration.

* * *

The **Determination** Award is presented this year to Hannan Safar, 14. Eight years ago, while travelling across the Adriatic Sea, Hannan and her entire family were lost overboard. With only a piece of driftwood, Hannan kept herself and her younger sister, Sara, afloat for two days before they were rescued. A year later, Hannan suffered a fever that left her with total hearing loss. Undeterred, Hannan sought out sign language instructors, applied herself to her academic studies, and won a scholarship and early admission to university this year.

After Hannan became ill, their human foster family could not afford to care for both children, and Sara has been living with foster families in several different countries ever since. The sisters have not seen each other since Hannan's illness. The Dreemurrr Foundation has connected Hannan and her sister with a monster family eager to foster both sisters. Hannan and Sara will be reunited this summer, and the Dreemurr Foundation will provide the family with housing near the university for as long as it is required.

Hannan will use her grant to establish a scholarship for deaf students at her university. The scholarship will be named in memoriam for her parents.

* * *

H.R.H. Ambassador K.A.F. Dreemurr H.R.M. Asgore Dreemurr


	6. The Criminal Record

LEE'S NOTE: Sir, I think you were right about there being something big that went down that the monsters aren't talking about. This one took a lot of digging to find - the Ambassador's diplomatic immunity buried it pretty deep, but she did get taken into a police station at one point when she was eleven. We managed to transcribe most of the station tapes before they got overwritten with the pilot for season one of " _Metta-makeover!_ " Man, was it ever different back then. I'm glad they stuck with the new format. My sister can't get enough of that show.

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 **Date:** October 31, 20[xx]. 21:13

 **Location:** Division 12, Entrance

[Relevant footage begins as what appears to be a giant fireball melts the station doors. The Queen steps through a moment later. She's not running, it's way too graceful to be called that, but she's moving fast. S. Skeleton follows. He appears to be finding it difficult to keep up.]

 **T. DREEMURR:** I do not understand. How could this happen?

 **S. SKELETON:** **papyrus wasn't really clear on that. apparently he got real offended by something at the fair and went to complain about it, and when he got back, they'd already taken the kid away. don't be too hard on him, tori. he's beating himself up enough. i had to make him go take a nap before he worried a hole in the floor.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** Of course I do not blame your brother. How could he know the humans would be so traitorous? It is _them_ I blame. Ludicrous! As if a child that small could ever cause anyone harm!

[S. Skeleton slows, looking uncomfortable.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **uh, .**

[T. Dreemurr throws another fireball at the door to the holding area, scattering human and monster officers alike. No actual injuries. The monsters recover first, and are far more deferential toward the Queen than the human officers. One, some sort of rabbit monster, approaches the Queen. We're having difficulty finding his ID, especially without the footage. All our requisitions for station personnel records at the time come back as some kind of puzzle. Logicstics says it's a "junior jumble."]

 **T. DREEMURR:** [Kicks down the remains of the door.] WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHILD?

 **OFFICER:** [Dodges the door.] Hello, Your Majesty. It's good to see you again. My captain has just gone to get Frisk; we've got a nice room with toys and games for the kids who have to come here, and they've been challenging half the precinct to puzzle challenges. Actually, given how long he's been gone, the Captain might have gotten roped in, too. If I could just ask you to refrain from melting any more doors, that would be really swell. His Majesty over there already did the east entrance, and we don't really have much of a budget to fix them.

[Rabbit Officer gestures over his shoulder to the waiting area. The King is trying his best to fit in one of the chairs, reading an old issue of _Better Homes and Gardens._ He doesn't appear to have noticed the explosion or the melted door. The Queen looks contrite and embarrassed.]

 **T. DREEMURR:** Yes, of course. Whoopsie. How silly of me. I will just go over there and wait then, shall I? Oh, how is your husband doing, dear?

 **OFFICER:** Twoie's doing great, Your Majesty. Misses the Embassy, of course, but you know dragons when they get broody. The egg we adopted should hatch any day now, though. He'll be a lot happier when he can move away from the nest for more than two minutes.

 **T. DREEMURR:** Oh, how lovely! Now, I know it is a trifle premature, but have you given any thought to the little one's schooling?

 **OFFICER:** We've already got the application forms for the Co-operative School. We'll get to work on them as soon as the baby's out of the shell.

 **T. DREEMURR:** Splendid. It is never too early to think of your child's education.

 **S. SKELETON:** **at this rate, your kid's going to be a regular egghead.**

[T. Dreemurr giggles a little before regaining her composure as the officer leads them toward the King.]

 **OFFICER:** Now, then, your majesties, if one of you can fill out these forms, I can take the other to rescue my Captain from the Ambassador's puzzles.

 **A. DREEMURR:** Oh! Howdy, Tori! I… uh….

 **T. DREEMURR:** Oh, go on, Asgore. I know how much you hate paperwork. Just remember to set anyone on fire if they try to get between you and our child.

 **A. DREEMURR:** Of course! [He winks at T. Dreemurr and S. Skeleton. His back is to Rabbit Officer, who looks decidedly uneasy.] What's the point of being king if you can't set someone on fire every so often. [Despite the fact that he's in slacks and a Hawaiian shirt, he pulls a massive trident out of nowhere.] Right, Officer?

 **OFFICER:** Oh, my husband is not going to believe the day I'm having. Right this way, Your Majesty.

[The King follows the officer, whistling cheerfully, as T. Dreemurr and S. Skeleton sit in the waiting area. T. Dreemurr puts on a pair of glasses and begins to fill out the forms.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **hey. hey tori. you know what this place'd be called if they locked me up here?**

 **T. DREEMURR:** What?

 **S. SKELETON:** **a punitentiary.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** [snickers] I'm sure they would come up with a suitable pun-ishment.

 **S. SKELETON:** **good one. So what punderhanded deed is the kid in for?**

 **T. DREEMURR:** [scans the form.] Oh! Well, this makes much more sense. Apparently Frisk took issue with the human actors portraying the skeletons at the haunted house.

 **S. SKELETON:** **...uh-oh.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** You know how humans have these strange ideas of how monsters behave, do you not? Apparently Frisk would not stop laughing at what I assume was supposed to be frightening behaviour, so the actors focused their efforts on scaring Frisk. This upset Papyrus, but Frisk was convinced the skeletons would stop jumping out and yelling at people if someone just hugged them enough. [She sighs] Apparently there are rules about touching the actors, but Frisk wouldn't listen when asked to stop. They insisted that they could save the skeletons.

[S. Skeleton groans, pulling up his hood and drawing the string tight until most of his face is hidden.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **aw, man, i'm sorry. this may be my fault. i told the kid it was important to laugh at stuff that scared 'em.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** No, dear. I am glad you did. It is neither your fault nor Frisk's that the humans persist in perpetuating these stereotypes at this time of year, and you know how Frisk is about saving people. I am just sorry we had to leave our class early.

 **S. SKELETON:** **yeah, i was looking forward to learning how to make souffle.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** Sadly, we shall just have to let Daniel's mother make hers again this year for the school potluck.

 **S. SKELETON:** P a m ! [shakes fist]

 **T. DREEMURR:** Do not worry, my friend. Next year, victory shall be ours.

[A. Dreemurr returns, leading the Ambassador by the hand. No sign of the trident. The Ambassador stops upon seeing the Queen, looking distressed. S. Skeleton gets up from his chair.]

 **S. SKELETON:** **buddy! pal! if you wanted a funny, non-scary monster to hug into submission, you didn't have to go all the way to the hallowe'en fair to find one!**

[S. Skeleton spreads his arms and the Ambassador runs into them. S. Skeleton grunts and staggers under the weight as the Ambassador clings to them, but manages to turn and wobble toward the hole where the door used to be, carrying the Ambassador. The King and Queen exchange a look, and the King offers his hand to the Queen to help her up. She accepts, and hands the forms to the Rabbit Officer, who takes them away.]

 **T. DREEMURR:** They seemed… unhappy to see me.

 **A. DREEMURR:** It's not that, don't worry. They're pretty upset about having caused all this trouble, and they're really upset they made you miss your class. Tori… I'm sorry this happened on my watch. I know I was supposed to be minding Frisk, but they really wanted to go to the fair...

 **T. DREEMURR:** No, you did nothing wrong, Asgore. Frisk loves spending time with the boys, and this fair is a part of their human heritage it is important for them to learn about. No reason not to let Papyrus take them. We just didn't count on how…erm...dedicated Frisk is to their role as Ambassador.

 **A. DREEMURR:** Y'know, we've got a pretty neat kid, all things considered.

 **T. DREEMURR:** Yes… we really do.

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 **Date:** October 31, 20[xx]. 21:55

 **Location:** City Park near Division 12

[By the time they come within range of the park CCTV cameras, A. Dreemurr has taken charge of the Ambassador again. The Ambassador is on the King's shoulders, half asleep against his head. The King is humming. He looks happy. The Queen trails behind with S. Skeleton.]

 **T. DREEMURR:** He is very good with the child, is he not?

 **S. SKELETON:** **i don't have a lot to compare it to, but yeah. the kid's nuts about him and it looks like it's mutual.** [He pauses, looking up at the Queen.] **so how are things between you and the big guy these days?**

 **T. DREEMURR:** [sighs] Better than I ever dreamed possible. Still broken beyond all recognition. Does that sound totally contradictory?

 **S. SKELET** **ON: nah, just complicated. life likes complicated. not me though. i like naps.** [He puts his hands in his pockets.]

 **T. DREEMURR:** [laughing] Indeed. Still… I did not think I would ever even speak with him again. Now, I do not know what I feel. I am still so very angry. But when I look at him with Frisk…

 **S. SKELETON:** **the kid has a way of turning the world upside down.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** They do at that. Oh, my friend. What am I to do? What we had broke years ago, and it frightens and alarms me how much that thought hurts now. Everything is strange, and I do not like this uncertainty. Part of me wishes I could just forgive him, but I cannot force something I do not feel.

 **S. SKELETON:** **so don't think about what you had, and you don't need to force anything. think about what's next. his kingliness is all about gardens, right? think of it like that. what you had with him left seeds when it wilted, clearly, so give 'em time to grow, and see what new thing you end up with. maybe it works out, and maybe it doesn't, but the kid's not going anywhere anytime soon, and you two are doing pretty great with 'em as it is. you've got time to figure it out.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** [quietly] We have nothing _but_ time, now… [She blinks, visibly refocusing her attention on S. Skeleton.] Sans, that was… [She smiles and rests a hand on his shoulder.] How did you come to be so wise?

 **S. SKELETON:** **it's our cooking classes, tori. you know i'm all about the *sage.***

 **T. DREEMURR:** Ah, how ba-silly of me. But then, you know I favour a different spice.

 **S. SKELETON:** **carda-mom.**

 **T. DREEMURR:** [giggles] We shall be reaching the house soon. You should cumin.

 **S. SKELETON** **: sure, why not. i think i've got the thyme.**

[T. Dreemurr and S. Skeleton laugh as they reach the edge of the camera's audio pickup range, and the rest of their conversation is lost beneath A. Dreemurr and the Ambassador, who break out into "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," but with the words changed to include something about baking.]

* * *

LEE'S NOTE: I wish we still had the video. The look on the Queen's face when she said that thing about time looked like it really hurt. Adds support to your theory. There's definitely a story they're not telling us. None of our agents have figured out what it is, but we'll keep looking.

* * *

 _Additional files for reference:_

 ** _Attachment 1:_** _T. Dreemurr's weekly schedule. Attends adult education classes at the local high school, including Screenwriting 101, Advanced Cookery (with S. Skeleton), and Extreme Knitting (with U. Actinopterygii)._ **[HRM_TDreemurr_ ]**

 ** _Attachment 2:_** _The record of the Ambassador's encounter. Not technically an arrest record, more a caution, but worth noting._ **[ERROR FILE NOT FOUND]**

 ** _Attachment 3:_** _Work order for the renovation of Division 12 and the construction of a new foyer, authorized jointly by their majesties._ **[Dreemurr_Reno_ ]**


	7. THE SCIENCE PROJECT

LEE'S NOTE: Apologies for the delay on this one, sir. There was very little we could salvage. We got a scan of one page before the servers at HQ caught fire, and what there is Is a mess. It looks like we pulled a schematic and some scribbled notes, but the Ambassador has a tendency to wander between languages when she's notetaking, and we think the kanji is actually Tem rather than Japanese. Three translators quit and we're still getting gibberish. Most of the other notes aren't even in an alphanumeric font. One of the languages appears to be just colours. Your guess is as good as ours.

The Ambassador made something that won them third place in their fourth grade science fair. We just have no idea what it is.

[IMAGE 1: SCHEMATIC AVAILABLE ON A03]

 **Attachment 1:** Simulation test results

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Begin simulation: Y/N?

Y

ERROR: UNKNOWN VARIABLE

Run diskcheck?

Y

Disk check run. 3 errors fixed.

Begin simulation Y/N?

Y

ERROR: FILENOTFOUND

ERROR

ERROR

ERRORERRORFILENOTFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

.

..

...

...

...

[IMAGE 2: MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE AVAILABLE ON A03]

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To: Cartwright, John

From: Lee, David

Subject: RE: WHERE THE **[EXPLETIVE DELETED]** ARE THOSE FILES?

Date: September 15, 20[XX]

I'm sorry sir, I'm looking through our correspondence, and I can't find any files. Could you remind me again what I'm looking for?


End file.
